My life as an addict

My life with an addict.

Dating an addict is like smoking a cigarette. You know it’s awful. You’ve done it so many times you don’t even get the same buzz anymore. Regardless, you still find yourself doing it. No one understands why you’re still doing it. It’s no secret that it’s bad for you. You talk about how you should stop, but you just never do. The addict becomes your addiction. When you try to walk away, you crave it. You’re not even sure what you’re craving. You don’t miss the long nights and the worry. You don’t miss the fights and the lies. You don’t miss covering for them. What are you even craving? Somehow you always end up back to where you promised yourself you’d never be again. You’re miserable but at this point you have no idea how not to be. Miserable has become such a constant in your life that you don’t even recognize it as bad anymore. It’s just what you are. Miserable and worried become your staple emotions. The addict convinces you that this is “normal” too. All of a sudden, it IS your normal. You no longer understand why everyone is so worried about you. “I’m fine???” you think to yourself as you inhale the air the addict is polluting. You convince yourself that you are.THIS IS NORMAL. Cleaning pee’d on furniture and vomit from your car door. Carrying his body from the car up the stairs. THIS IS NORMAL. This is your typical night. If you’re lucky it’ll happen before 9 pm and you can watch the TV show you heard about because he will already be passed out. Once he is finally asleep, that’s the only time you can relax. Him being asleep brings relief to your day. You’re free for a minute. You know you would rather carry him up stairs and clean his fluids than let him be anywhere else. If you can see him sleeping - you know that he is safe. Because when he isn’t with you the worry is only worse. You know that getting him to sleep is the only way you’ll be able to sleep well that night. You find yourself encouraging him to have that last drink, because you know thats the one that will send him over the edge and you can be done for the day. He consumes you. You’re not longer what’s important in your life. You start to sleep on your floor because you don’t have to worry about waking up covered in his urine down there. Down there you’re safe, and he is safe. This is what you worked for. You start to plan your days around when he will be the drunkest. You know you can never make dinner plans past 8 usually. Any time after 9 things could go downhill. Sometimes he loves you more when he drinks though. Sometimes thats the only time you actually feel happy. When he starts to acknowledge what you do for him. “This is worth it.” you tell yourself. Just like at cigarette. Those 8 minutes of bliss are worth all the harm you’re actually doing to yourself. Sometimes he resents you when he drinks though. He starts to resent you for the times you didn’t bite your tongue and you told him he has a problem. He will work hard to manipulate those feelings though. “I’m fine” you will both be whispering to yourselves. He will lay there and try to connivence himself of it while you lay by him and try to do the same. Neither of you are fine. You are both addicts. Him to a substance and you to him. 

You're worth more.

I love the life I was given. I've had so many experiences that have shaped me and changed me so drastically. I look at life differently almost daily. I over-think almost every situation that I'm in because life has proven to be anything but vague. I'm a complex mess that thinks she can speak out and maybe help at least one person feel normal in their struggles to navigate life successfully. My definition of navigating life successfully would require another blog post in itself but all in all - being happy within struggle. Each day produces new and complex situations in our lives. Today, I'm digging into my deep rooted subconscious struggle with.......spray tans. If you don't think spray tans can be a deep rooted issue in your life ...you probably have never gone to bed sobbing because of people picking on your fair skinned appearance. I'm 24 years old and the jokes still get to my soul. I'm here to figure out why. Why does being pale bring me down so deeply? Why does it matter to me? These are realizations I came to at 4 am - as I scrubbed the orange glow from my skin / cried to motion city soundtrack while feeling empowered in my romantic comedy like situation with my skin color and self worth. I realized last night at 4 am while I struggled to get comfortable in bed due to sticky orange skin that I really HATE spray tans. I spray tan almost weekly and it's never more pleasurable. "Why do I keep doing this?" I ask myself. I then realized, I'm not even doing this for me. I'm doing this for the attention that follows. I'm doing this because of the male attention that I get once that skin dye is applied. I swear dudes have a 6th sense for when I'm spray tanning. My phone instantly lights up more often. Here's the deal though....I have no problem personally with my pale skin. I don't feel less attractive. I wouldn't notice how pale I am if my foundation wasn't named "snow" and dudes didn't make jokes about not needing a flash light around me. (PSA thats a bad joke and your cell phone has a flash light and I bet your dick is small) So, why am I doing it? Im spray tanning to avoid that awful joke for one, but also because sometimes since I am human. Sometimes, I base my self worth on what you assholes think of me. UGH. I hate not being super human and falling into the trap society set for me that my worth is correlated to what kind of arm candy look I'm serving that day. I'm spray tanning so some asshole will walk by me and think I'm beautiful. WTF AVERY. I'm still strong minded, creative, intelligent, caring, brave, unapologetic, independent thinking, and my soul is still pure regardless of what shade of orange my skin is that day. I'm still worth more than most the dude's I'm begging for compliments from deserve. Any dude who makes you feel like you need to accommodate him to receive compliments doesn't deserve your 2 pm wanna eat corn dogs with me text, anyways. I'm all about doing things that make YOU feel good, but make sure you're not subconsciously basing feeling  good off others opinions of you. Realize you rock, and maybe don't do those things you've been doing to trick yourself into thinking that until you can say it with purity in your heart. I love you guys and I hate assholes that make you question your self worth. Cheers, babes.